Can you save someone from themselves without losing yourself in the process?

Until the last couple years,  I believed that if I loved someone enough I could save them from harming themselves.  Now I know it’s not true but it took a hell of a lot of tears and a near breakdown for me to admit that to myself.  No amount of love and care in the world will stop a person who is hell bent on harming themselves whether through addiction, reckless behavior, or even suicide.  The despair that you feel deep in your soul when your loved one decides that they can no longer cope, is simply unbearable.  When you think about it, both of you are going through the same horrific pain.  Now the question is, will you be lost as well?

We can’t save the world.  It’s not our job to do so even though we get inundated through the media outlets that it’s our “duty” to do so, “one child at a time.”  Really?  Yes, it’s noble to donate to these causes but there has to be a limit.  When the help comes at the expense of your own physical and mental health, the price is way too high.  Of course, when you are faced with helping someone you love and helping yourself, the choice is made without question.  You will give and give until you are no longer able to give anymore.  Like the drowning victim, your loved one will cling to you, claw at you and beg you to help them keep afloat.  All the while you are being pulled under water for longer periods of time and then eventually left below the surface and forgotten.

You can try to rationalize it all you want but the fact remains if someone does not want to be saved, or just can’t see the light and love you offer to them, they will continue down that destructive path and take you with them.  Your pleas don’t always go on deaf ears.  They hear you, but some feel they don’t deserve your love or friendship and will keep pushing you away over and over.  Once they get through that period of darkness, they stay away for a bit, maybe even ignore you all together because they have dulled their pain with booze, drugs, or another lover.  Whatever the vice, it smoothed out the rough edges until it all wears off again and they come running back to you.  Even though they know they are ripping your heart out every single time, they still come back.  You are also a “drug” and help keep the cycle going.  By begging them to see the truth and to get professional help, you give them a lifeline once again.  And once again they toss it aside to cling to you.  Misery loves company.  No truer words have been written.

The greatest act of love in this situation, as painful as it will be, is to let them go.  Pray to the Goddess or whoever your higher power is that their path is clear and their pain eases.  Pull their arms from around your neck and push them clear so you can swim to the surface and breathe again.  You don’t have to say goodbye.  That is so final.  Take that love you feel for them and file it away in your heart with the promise that it will bloom when your paths cross again either in this lifetime or the next.

 Darkest Hour
 
The pain of a love lost yet again
Is all consuming and gut wrenching.
And yet we will continue to suffer through
And hold out all hope.
It seems never-ending
Until one day your heart finally listens to your head.
It’s time to close the door
And throw away the key.
Just in time because you’ve reached
The frayed end of your rope.

Even in that darkest hour
You still believe things could change.
He’ll come back,
Realize his mistake.
Beg you to listen to him
Pour out his pain and sorrow.
But before you know it
He is gone once again
Telling you he will call tomorrow.

In this your darkest hour
You finally see that tomorrow will never come
He will go back to the world he left you for.
Cutting you out once again,
Leaving you unable to ask why,
In shock, and numb.
In this your darkest hour
You finally see
He wants his cake and
He wants to eat it too.
He wants your support,
Understanding,
And unconditional love,
But never once will he
Return those things to you.

Instead he takes and takes and takes some more
Leaving you sobbing,
Heartbroken,
And waiting by the phone.
He returns over and over and over again
Claiming he still loves you.
But he instead leaves you bare
Battered and alone.

In this your darkest hour
Your eyes are wide open
And you finally see…
He will never love you as you love him,
Even when he pleads with you
On bended knee.
It’s all an act.
It’s all make believe.
It’s time for you to turn your back
And walk away.
No longer letting your heart be deceived.

In your darkest hour
You realize the truths you have ignored
Will truly be what sets your heart free.

In your darkest hour
You will find the peace and light
That will mend your soul.
The wounds laid open for months on end
Will begin to heal
And slowly allow you to become whole.

For now you can wake up from the nightmare
That you had convinced yourself
Was just a dream.
Now you can wake up to find
The one who will put you first,
Love, honor and cherish you…
He will be everything you need.

©Tammy Dennings Maggy
 1/23/2010
 2am

Internet Piracy

Have you seen some of the personal websites advertising ebooks for dirt cheap?  Some offering them for a dollar or less?  I’m not talking about the sites who are licensed to do this, I am talking about people who buy these books themselves or have others so it and then make hundreds if not thousands of copies of them and then sell them.  These people feel that they can do this because they bought the original copy, but they are very wrong.  What they are doing is illegal.  They are stealing from the author and the publisher.  In some cases tens of thousands of copies of some titles are given away for a dollar each or even free.

I have been asked why do I care.  “Don’t you get an advance to write your books?”  NOPE!  As authors of ebooks, we get paid based on sales of our books.  You put in months and months into writing, editing and polishing up the final product only to have people steal it from you in the end.  For me just starting out, it’s frustrating to say the least.  Yes I work full time as a veterinarian now, but eventually I would like to write full time.  How can I be expected to make a living at it and pay my bills if someone is giving away my work for free?

Remember the whole uproar over Napster?  How the recording artists were up in arms that their work was being shared without compensation?  I remember people asking what those musicians were so upset about.  They couldn’t understand why a few downloads would make any dent in their profits.  Well, it’s not just a few downloads.  It’s millions of them all over the world and that all adds up.  Think about what you do for a living.  How would you feel at the end of each work day if everything you accomplished was credited to someone else? You would feel ripped off right?  Well so do the writers who find their works on these pirate sites.  Not only do we have to spend our valuable time looking for our works on these sites, we have to send them repeated take down notices.  If they are overseas they don’t give a shit what we ask.  They will keep doing it.

So it’s up to us as the consumers to stop searching for these sites.  Stop frequenting these sites.  If there isn’t a demand, they would be out of business.  If you go through the legal sites and through the authors websites, you can get great material and support your favorite writers and publishers.  The more support they have, the more books can be offered.  Think about it!

Hope Never Dies

Hope Never Dies

Listen to the bagpipes sing.

Let Freedom ring.

Hope is once again burning bright.

Finally a heinous wrong

Has been made right.

Mother Earth has heard our prayers.

She sent Karma and the SEALS

To deal with the cause

Of all our tears.

We’ve waited a decade

For justice to prevail,

While those responsible taunted and teased

That in all we would fail.

The War on Terror will never be done.

There will always be someone

Calling us the “Evil One.”

Spoiled children is all that they are.

They can’t get their way,

So they will push and push until

Finally they go to far.

Enough is enough.

It is time to cut the head off the Viper

For far too long

We’ve taken the strikes from this Beast.

It’s time to pay the Piper.

Lady Karma remembers all

And when the time is right,

She’ll make sure

Those who have wronged would fall.

She plays no favorites…

That much is true.

For what you put forth…

Good or Bad…

She brings times three back to you.

©Tammy Dennings Maggy

7:30am

5/2/2011

The morning after Osama Bin Laden was killed.

The Love That Binds

The Love That Binds

Have you found that one heart that calls out to you?
Are they always there in your mind?
When the mundane tasks of life hide them from view,
Do you long for the love that binds?

When you’ve given your all and can give no more,
Do you feel safe and secure with the one you are with?
Do you long for the smile that melts you to your very core,
Or have you convinced yourself that kind of love is just a myth?

When life beats you down and you feel lost and alone,
Do you turn to the one who to you is rarely kind?
Do you desire the one who’s heart you still own?
Do you long for the love that binds?

In your darkest hour can you hear your true love call to you,
Or have you let the hardships of life close off your mind?
Can you take a chance and believe what has always been in view?
Will you finally reach out and take the hand
Of the one with the love that binds?

©Tammy Dennings Maggy
1/20/2011

Lover’s Triads

Lover’s Triads

It always begins with that first touch,
Shake of the hand, nod of the head,
The melody of the child’s laughter
We all love so much.
A friendship is born.
A lifelong partnership begins.
Bonds formed during childhood torn
So that those of star crossed lovers can win.

The seed was sown in the past long ago;
It will bear fruit that can now be savored…
In a way we all hope and pray to know.
The promise of love never ending,
Brightens the darkness that shrouds
Our hearts and casts it full of woe.

A new love bursts forth as a young Maiden
Innocent and pure…
Until she finds love’s first kiss.
The Mother nurtures that love
Through their child nursing at their breast.
And on her face one can see
Pure, unadulterated bliss.
The Eternal Flame continues to flourish
Through the years well into their twilight days.
And can be witnessed through the eyes
Of the Wise and Weathered Grandmother
Humming lullabies…
Passing on the Ancient Ways.

As always the cycle remains the same.
The new love once born
Needs to be tended with care.
As it grows and changes
We learn it’s not all fun and games.
But if we have faith and endure
The fantasy will be the reality
That only two hearts can share.

©Tammy Dennings Maggy
04/02/2011 9am

Moon and Stars

Moon and Stars

Mother Moon, please grant me this wish,
That the one who holds my heart
Would one day yearn for me and my kiss.
Sister Stars, help me plead my case.
What can I do to make him see
That his search can be over in my embrace?
Why does my heart burn
For one who cannot see?
Why does he believe
The love of strangers over me?

Mother Moon and Sister Stars,
Guide me on my path
To find a love heartfelt and true…
Is that too much to ask?
Please tell me what to do…
I’m good enough to keep him warm
On cold winter’s nights,
But fall short when considering
A mate, a lover or a wife.

Should I stay the course and hope
One day his heart will finally see…
That the life he’s been dreaming of…
Searching for…
Is right here with me?
Should I let my dream go?
Let my heart try to mend?
Accept the fate dealt to me…
And the loneliness that never ends?

Mother Moon and Sister Stars,
Guide me in one last Dance.
I offer all I have…
All that I am…
For one last chance.
Tonight I bare my soul
For the one who’s arms
I long to be in at every breaking dawn.
Help me plead my case,
My life, and my love.
Show him that I am
And forever will be…
His only one.

©Tammy Dennings Maggy
8pm 4/7/2011

Welcome to my blog!

Here you will find the listing of the various blog entries throughout this site that are about any topic other than my Now and Forever series.  Hopefully I will be able to have a few guest bloggers in from time to time as well. Wouldn’t that be fun!  Please be patient with me if I end up having several posts in more than one category.  Eventually I will get it right!

Excerpts from For the Love of Quinn (Now and Forever 1)

For the Love of Quinn (Now and Forever 1)
by Tammy Dennings Maggy
Siren Allure (MF) Contemporary Erotic Romance
Heat Level: Scourching!
********************************************************
      Quinn Lee Hollis is a 43-year-old veterinary surgeon who has reached a crossroads in her life.  Stuck in a loveless and emotionally abusive marriage, she decides that she has had enough and vows to cut loose and enjoy herself in Las Vegas with her sister.  There she meets and falls in love with two men.
      Both bring out the fire and passion in her that she has longed for her whole life.  Steve Eischer is a Vegas tycoon who wants to fulfill her every fantasy, and Jake Hartley is a classic bad boy who awakens desire in her so strong that it nearly destroys her.
      Both Steve and Jake have claims on her heart, but only one can share a connection so strong that nothing can keep them apart.

Story Excerpt

“Chicks love bad boys.” Jacob winked, and they both laughed. He was right. She looked too classy, even if those curves were calling out to him. Jacob only hesitated for a half a second longer and thought what the hell. Might as well give it a shot. He downed one of the whiskey shooters, and just as he was about to get up and go over to her, Steve returned and took them to a private table to store their things before heading out to the dance floor.

Oh man. She can move, too. Jacob’s heart skipped a beat or two when she caught him watching her dance. She smiled slowly, and he got lost in her eyes, blue-green like the ocean, those come-fuck-me eyes you read about in Playboy. Holy shit, Jake thought. They really did exist and they were right there, locked with his own.

Eric had stopped watching the dancers and was now staring at Jacob. “Whoa, brotha! I think you just got thunderstruck. We need to get you out of here. You don’t need another broad chasing after you now. You start your new job in Chicago at the end of next week, and you leave Vegas in two days. Don’t you dare let another one mess with your head!”

Jacob had to admit his little brother was right. He had just come out of a messy breakup and really didn’t need to hook up with anyone right now. He didn’t need the complication. But man, what he wouldn’t give to explore those curves for the next two days. Jacob groaned before he downed the last of his beer and the final whiskey chaser. He glanced at his watch and realized his brother’s shift was over and there was no other reason to stay at the club. “Let’s get out of here. I wanna stop by and see if Derek will be able to finish my tat tomorrow.”

“Sweet! Those dragons are really coming to life on your back. Derek is a fucking genius!” As they made their way through the crowd to the exit, Jacob couldn’t help himself and looked back one more time for the hot number in the barely-there red dress. He had a gut feeling that this was one broad he wasn’t going to be able to get out of his head for a hell of a long time.

  ****

  “Quinn?” Miranda snapped her fingers in front of her face and laughed. “What the hell just happened to you?”

“I don’t know. I looked up and saw this guy watching me with the deepest blue eyes I had ever seen, moustache, goatee, shoulder- length brown hair, earrings in both ears. I couldn’t look away.”

Miranda rolled her eyes. “Stick with the plan, honey. I think Steve wants you for himself tonight. If you don’t jump on that, I just might.”

Quinn’s jaw nearly dropped to the floor. “What would your children say?”

She shrugged. “What happens in Vegas.”

Before Quinn could answer, Steve returned. He circled her waist with his hands and pulled her close to him. Miranda was dead-on. He wanted her all right. The proof was bumping Quinn’s ass at the moment. She smiled at her sister, who winked back.

“Have fun!” Miranda danced her way off the floor to finish her margarita and to chat up the bartender for his secret to making them so fucking fantastic.

Quinn settled back into Steve’s arms, letting him move her along with him for a little bit. She had to admit, she loved the attention. He nuzzled her ear before turning her to face him, pulling her arms up to circle his neck. Mmm. Dark brown, wavy hair, salt and pepper stubbly chin, earring and dark smoldering green eyes, double check!

“Where did your sister get off to?”

“Hmm? If I know her, she’s picking your bartender’s brain on how to make the perfect margarita, and then she’ll go park it in front of the roulette wheel for a few more hours. Subtle, isn’t she?”

He continued to hold Quinn tight against him, moving slow and easy even though the song was hopping. “I’m sure you’ve heard this before, but you’re drop-dead gorgeous, and I can’t keep my hands off of you.”

Got him! “I don’t recall asking you to keep your hands off of me.”

He leaned down and nibbled on her earlobe. “Stay with me tonight, Quinn. I have a suite here at the casino with a big round bed, Jacuzzi, and private pool. I want to do naughty things with you all night long.”

Quinn flashed her wedding rings at him. He just shrugged. “Doesn’t bother me in the least. If a man can let a woman like you go to Vegas without him, then he is a fool.”

That he is. Got an extra toothbrush in that suite of yours?”

“I think I can rustle one up for you.” His lips brushed hers, and heat flashed through her. Quinn was more than ready for this. Steve led her off the floor and over to his private table to collect her things. Miranda had left a note. Have fun and see you in the morning. She was a smart-ass, but Quinn loved her!

Steve took her hand and led her over to a private elevator for VIPs. She’d never imagined she’d catch the eye of a sexy club owner on their first night in Vegas! She wondered what it was going to be like to get him alone and away from the loud music. She didn’t have very long to wonder.

Adult Excerpt

As soon as the doors closed, he pinned her in the corner. “I’ve wanted to do this from the moment I saw you step out of the elevators tonight.” His lips touched hers once again, softly at first, and then after teasing her a little with his tongue, he dove right in, picking Quinn up at the waist and lifting her up so that she was sitting on the railing. His hand trailed up her thigh and under her dress. His fingertips gently teased her clit a bit, making her gasp, breaking their deep kiss. “I knew it. Your dress fits you like a glove. No way in hell you were wearing anything under it.”

“I’m glad you approve.” Quinn wrapped her legs around his waist as he picked her up off of the railing and carried her through the doors into his suite, the penthouse suite, no less! Now their lips and tongues battled each other for control, neither one of them willing to yield just yet. Quinn could feel his cock straining to get out of his pants and into her. Her pussy throbbed and cum already started to coat her inner thighs. She forced herself to come back to earth. “We need to slow down a second.”

Steve smiled again and her mind nearly went to mush. He put her back on her feet, keeping one hand on her waist, while the other pulled a condom out of his pocket. “Like the boy scouts say, always be prepared.”

“I knew there was something I liked about you besides your killer smile.” She wrapped her arms around his neck tighter as his mouth crushed hers once again. She loved the feel of his hands on her body and the heat that zipped through her with every single touch and kiss. She wanted more, so much more.

“Quinn, I don’t know if I can wait much longer. I have to have you, baby.”

“What’s stopping you?” She bit his earlobe a little, and that was all the signal he needed. He lifted her up into his arms again and pinned her against the wall in the entryway. Quinn held on tight to his neck and shoulders while he unbuckled his pants, freeing up his huge cock. He ripped open the condom wrapper with his teeth, and before Quinn could catch her breath he nearly split her in two as he entered her. She was already hot and so wet that he slid in quickly. She was so surprised at his size that she dug her nails into his back a little too hard. Quinn didn’t think he minded one bit. He groaned as his cock filled her cunt completely, stroking every single inch of her. Her body shuddered wildly as the first orgasm hit her. She moaned as Steve broke their kiss, leaving her a bit breathless.

“Good god, your pussy is fucking fantastic. I can feel every single inch of you pulling me in.” He shifted positions so that he had her legs over his arms, and he spread her wider. He kept pounding her against the wall, thrusting deeper still. He felt so good stroking her and hitting every sensitive spot. Wave after wave of ecstasy ran through her. She came over and over again, her cum continuously squirting out of her and over Steve. “You’re so hot and wet. I can’t get enough of you.”

“Jesus Christ, your cock is so fucking big. Harder, baby, harder.” Quinn was lost in her own climax, and then Steve’s arms tightened around her as he groaned against her tits. His thrusts slowed, and he pulled back to look into her eyes. Both of them were panting trying to catch their breath. His cock was still buried deep inside of her and rock-hard. Now he kept eye contact as he moved in and out of her. He changed position again so that he had her wrapped around him and his hands on her ass, moving her up and down his shaft. Quinn straightened her legs and pointed her toes as a very powerful orgasm hit her, and she couldn’t hold back a scream. That did it for him. He came right along with her, their bodies shuddering together.

Steve leaned into her, a smile gradually forming on that gorgeous mouth of his. “Goddamn, woman. If this is any preview of what we will be doing together the rest of the night, I don’t know if I am going to be able to let you leave here in the morning.”

Quinn nibbled on his stubbly chin a bit before pulling his mouth back to hers. “How about you give me a tour of the rest of your place and we will just let things happen as they happen.”

Steve moved both of them away from the wall but still kept his hands firmly on Quinn’s ass, letting her legs slowly slide down his body until her heels hit the floor again. “You better hang on to me for a little longer. I don’t know if I can walk normally just yet.”

He moved his fingers lightly up and down her bare back, sending shivers through her once again. “I don’t think that will be a problem at all, Quinn. You’ve put some kind of spell over me, and I can’t keep my hands off of you.”

“Well, your hands feel awfully good on my body, and so do your lips, your tongue, and that welcoming committee you have stuffed in your pants!” Good lord! Quinn had never fucked anyone with a cock that big, and he sure did know how to use it. Miranda was going to faint when she heard about this!

Poem that inspired me to write another series: The Vixen, The Witch and The Daemon

The Vixen, The Witch and The Daemon

Here is the tale of two Witches: one Dark and one of the Light
Both vying for the heart of the one called The Daemon.
Who he chooses in the end will determine his ultimate fate:
Be lost forever to the Evil One in the Dark
Or be reborn again into a love that burns forever bright.

The flame-haired Witchy One with eyes of jade
Cast her spell to control the Mighty Daemon.
Using Dark Magic she transforms herself
Into someone familiar he could not resist
But different enough so he could not see the trick.
Her spell only lasts just so long
But no matter.
Alcohol helps to hide the truth:
She is only using him and relishes in the torture
Of his heart and soul.
The more he is in pain, the more her
Black heart beats with delight.

She demands his undivided attention.
Isolates him from all he loves
And all he knows: children, family and friends.
This occupies her days and her nights
Until something else comes along to distract her.
Then she casually tosses him out into the cold
Lost and alone…
No where to go.
So easy for his Dark Side
To emerge and take control.

The Daemon is lost once again.
Forever searching for the one who calms
His mind and his soul.
The one who helps him forget
The Darkness that is waiting to take him back
To the hell he endured before…
Made him the killing machine in the Great War.

Lady Fate steps in once again,
Angry that someone has dared
To interfere with her plan.
She distracts the Witchy One
With the very lust and selfishness that
Give her spells their power…
Only if The Daemon drowns himself with the spirit
Of the vine and of the grain will the spells endure.
The Lady does all that she can to temper his thirst
But that is one desire she cannot control.
The Evil One laughs at her attempts
But she succeeds enough to give her Champion
A fighting chance.

The Vixen’s inner fire burns bright
With the help of the Goddess Fate.
It calls The Daemon home once again.
This time he clearly sees and is drawn to it
Like a moth to a flame.
He is surprised at who he finds
At the end of the light.
She was once not The Vixen
But long ago was another: shy, sweet and innocent.
The Love he feels for her now bursts forth
Reminding him of innocence lost…
The One he used to be when near her…
The One he locked away when he thought he lost her.
But here she was once again…
Able to break the spell cast by the Dark Witch.
Vixen’s magick, strong and bright
Cleanses his soul and it all feels right.
No longer alone.
He is finally home.

But the Evil One wanted The Daemon to fall,
To be back under his complete control.
He sent his Minion Witchy One on another mission
To do his bidding.
In return she would get everlasting youth:
Her hearts desire and only wish.
She could care less where The Daemon ended up
As long as she could stay anything but sober…
As long as she kept getting what she wanted…
She would deliver The Daemon on a silver platter:
Whole or in pieces.

The Goddess’s Champion Vixen was heartbroken and lost.
A love that burned forever bright tossed aside
But she was not allowed to be free.
How could this be?
The Daemon still clung to her
Wishing for a life filled with love and peace…
Still unable to break free of the Black Magick
That bound his soul.

The Vixen allowed him to hold on
At the cost of her sanity.
This delighted the Evil One.
He wanted to hurt her as well…
Afraid of her Light and Magick of Old.
For she was more powerful than any realized…
Save the Goddess Lady Fate.
The Vixen was to save the Daemon
From the torture he had always endured.
She was to wipe away the glamour
That the Green-eyed Witch had cast
So he could finally see:
The evil, twisted being he had thought he loved
Was all an illusion…
A Dark Magick creation.

It’s never too late to turn and follow the Light.
Many others are drawn to The Vixen’s beacon…
Taking them away from the Evil One…
All falling for and offering their love
To Lady Fate’s Champion.
But The Vixen with eyes the color of the ocean
And hair kissed by the Sun,
Forever burns for The Daemon…
Steadfast and true…
With a love that has endured through
All the pain and sorrow,
Through heartbreak and rebirth
Through a thousand and one lifetimes.

The Daemon’s eyes are now fully open.
He is finally free of the Darkness
That has gripped his soul.
He now knows what his heart has known all along.
It has and will always be
The Vixen
Who’s love would set him free.

©Tammy Dennings Maggy
12:05pm 2/26/2011
Las Vegas